CRAWL (2019)

Moron dad ignores warnings to evacuate ahead of a Category 5 hurricane. Moron daughter goes off in search of her moron dad. Good news is she finds him. Bad news is he’s injured and trapped in the crawl space beneath his crib with multiple large ill-tempered alligators. All with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

The most surprising thing about CRAWL is it isn’t surprising at all. I usually enjoy killer animal movies and I love disaster movies, so I mistakenly thought that if you combine those two things with the director of the gnarly HIGH TENSION, that CRAWL would be an awesome bloodbath of alligators ripping people to shreds. Flinging intestines and bloody limbs into the air with gleeful abandon. Nope. The cinematography by Maxime Alexandre looks nice, but, outside of that, CRAWL is strictly by-the-numbers. Quick set-up of character backstories, put characters in dangerous situation, have characters scamper around as various side characters run up the low body count, have main characters learn lessons about family.

I remember seeing CRAWL in the theater and being mildly entertained, but disappointed by the final act. I had hoped that once it was released on home media that it would get a longer cut with added brutal violence, but that didn’t happen. It’s just the same old movie. Zero nudity, very little blood, forgettable looking sets that look like sets, unimaginative script, boring cast, disappointing ending.

Overall, CRAWL is watchable and mildly entertaining. I did like the dog though. She was super cute. I loved when she was swimming. Those back legs were kicking! They should make an alien invasion movie, but just make it about the dog from CRAWL and the cat from that boring ass A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE.  (Literally, the best minutes of that movie are when the cat ran off by itself.) No human main characters at all, just a cat and a dog’s journey across a Robert McCammon-style post-apocalyptic wasteland. Then they both die at the end.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1993)

A wannabe investigative reporter (Ally Sheedy), who has the intelligence of a pine cone and the visual observation skills of a blind mole-rat, illegally breaks into a genetic research facility to see what’s poppin’ up n dat bish. Turns out the scientists are creating the ultimate guard dog that has the most ultimate traits of all the most ultimate critters. Including, but not limited to, the camouflaging skills of a chameleon, the tree climbing skills of a jaguar, the biting power of a ratpire, the rabid psychosis of an overweight early 2000’s pre-dawn Black Friday shopper and the acidic urine of a Wookalar. Naturally, she takes this bloodthirsty killing machine home. The evil scientist (Lance Henriksen) who created the killer beast wants his puppy back. Aww.

For a low-budget, early 1990’s killer dog movie, MAN’S BEST FRIEND is alright and definitely watchable, but there isn’t enough happening to keep the viewer fully invested. First off, the large corporation tracking down the killer dog is literally just Lance Henriksen! No secondary dogs or evil henchmen. Nope. Just ol’ Lance and his goofy, ill-fitted jacket. Secondly, the killer dog is an asshole. I can’t root for a psychotic dog who kills an innocent cat and a caged bird. Not to mention, he rapes another dog. It’d be one thing if he was going around killing various criminals and evil scientists, but he’s murdering innocent people just trying to live their lives. Thirdly, Ally Sheedy’s character is just so weak and dumb. She’s the anti-Ellen Ripley. The vast majority of the deaths and bad things that happen in the film are a result of her bad decisions.

Annoying kids, medium pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a little blood, suspected animal cruelty that pissed me off (that cat did not look happy in that one scene), early 1990's technology, disappointing ending, average acting, average cast. With some tweaks to the script, MAN’S BEST FRIEND could have been awesome, but instead it will mainly be remembered as the film Craig’s dad was watching in FRIDAY. “It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!”